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Positively dealing with separation and divorce


Sometimes matrimony appears to me like a fabulous creature with two faces, which - depending on needs and situations - shows itself either from its pleas-ant or from its ugly side. Smiling sweetly and bewitchingly, it lures its victims into the trap, lulls them in an intoxicating state of happiness.

One day however, the smile transforms into a nasty grimace which pounces on its victims and de-vours them.

Nobody is safe from the malice of this fabulous creature and it plays with the affected people as it pleases. Where it feels things are going too smoothly, it stabs its spear into the hearts of those concerned and sows the seeds of strife and discord. When turbulences arise, it relishes the spectacle and the disaster.

Then again I imagine matrimony as being like a moulding matter which two people receive on the day of their marriage. Being like two master builders, it is up to them to form this matter according to their notions and wishes - over and over again, because the matter is soft and deforms easily. What will they make of it? A work of art or a malformed figure? When I look around in my surround-ings or in public life, I see many malformed figures.

But matrimony is not the actual evil, it is rather the people in their strive for dominance who cause the evil. They have their individual notions of matrimony and their individual expectations of matrimony. More and more I come to hold the view that many people misunderstand the sense and purpose of matrimony. In quest of solicitude, safety, support, strengthening, prestige and security, mat-rimony should compensate for weaknesses and program errors of the individ-ual. Two imperfect individuals cling to each other as though they were drown-ing and then experience a multiplied feeling of strength, security and whole-someness.

However, this is not really matrimony, but only a companionship of fate com-bined with interdependence. If this matrimony breaks up, the facade breaks down and the old weaknesses and program errors come to light again. Matri-mony is not a long-term therapy-field. Of course one can escape from the vac-uum afterwards: a new relationship recreates the necessary facade. And so many people today wander from one relationship to the next, without ever really finding luck, satisfaction and inner peace. Earlier on, I was also in this "relation-ship merry-go-round". Immediately after my first marriage was over, I got to know my next husband and fell in love with him head over heals. He allowed me to forget my defeat and my wounds and put me in a euphoric mood. But it never came to the necessary processing and development process which I would have needed. Old patterns of thought were preserved and thus the same mistakes that had been present in my first marriage repeated themselves. All positive resolutions could not help. I underestimated the power of my inner programming.

When after twenty years my second marriage had also come to an end, I real-ised that something was going wrong in my life and in my relationships. Profes-sionally I was very successful, but in my private life things just did not go the way I wished for and imagined them to go. My dream of a happy partnership and a harmonious family life did not fulfil itself.

This was the point at which I began to strike the balance like a bookkeeper, in order to gain a clear overview of my life. I created inventories of material things, private matters, goals and unfulfilled wishes. I went ahead like an incorruptible auditor and I came to the necessary insights and drew the necessary conclu-sions in a sober, emotionless way (which I was not always successful in doing at the first go).

This time it was not a new partnership that should free me from the pains of the second which stood at the foreground for me, it was only one wish: "for the re-maining time of my life I want to be and I will be happy, no matter if with or with-out a man, with or without a marriage". I realised that nobody besides myself bears the responsibility for the joy and happiness in my own life. But who am I? What do I really want? How do I think and feel? What is good for me and what is not? All these were questions which I tackled intensively for the first time in my life, which I made clear to myself and found out about.

I needed two years in order to reorient and redesign myself and my life. The path is not yet completed, because life is a never-ending process of learning. I had wonderful teachers who supported and encouraged me during this time. They gave me strength on this new path, they inspired and motivated me. The Greek philosopher Socrates once said "know thyself", and I got to know myself. This knowledge and understanding of myself directed me towards a more con-scious way of thinking and towards a new view of things. The further I ad-vanced on my path, the more I felt a wonderful inner strength and satisfaction which had been unknown to me until then.

The realisation that I had the ability and power not to go down when I was by myself, but to design myself and my life in a positive way, like a master builder, turned me into a happy, self-confident person. I enjoyed living again, being a single, laughing, pleasing myself and directing my attention towards new tasks and goals. Following this, the often worrying pains inside my heart that had ac-companied me over the past years disappeared almost entirely. Instead I felt a tremendous zest for life, that I had seldom experienced previously.

I now comprehend that marriage requires, at its base, two grown-up, conscious and strengthened people, who deal with the moulding matter "matrimony" in a cautious and skilful way and who, together, make a work of art out of it. Love and marriage belong together, but even love without marriage is a passable, acceptable way in the second period of life, in which the wish for children does not play a part any longer anyhow.

I have summarised my path to the new happiness in 12 steps, such that it is a constant, solid and wholesome development-path. With these steps I would like to offer you, dear reader, an important support on how you can better cope with and master your personal time of crisis after separation or divorce and how you can become happy again. Take your destiny into your own hands, because you are the only one who can change something about it. Do not wait for a miracle to happen, or for somebody to help you out of the crisis. You and only you alone are the architect of your future and happiness.

I wish you a lot of fun reading and during the creation of your new life.


Christine Gottwald




Every third marriage is divorced nowadays

12 steps to a new zest for life

1st step: Take your time

2nd step: The new life - a wonderful opportunity

3rd step: Work on yourself

4th step: Analyse the surroundings in your life

5th step: Do good to yourself as often as possible

6th step: Allow love to get to you

7th step: Tap sources of power and joy

8th step: Make sure that you have enough money

9th step: Set up new goals for yourself

10th step: Do things which promote your self-confidence

11th step: Look for new hobbies and interests

12th step: Look for people who encourage you

An important concluding word


You can buy the full text of this manuscript in English. e-mail GottChr@aol.com



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Stand: 05. September 2007
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